I am VERY happy to be born in this age!
I was in the 7th grade when my favourite aunt lost her husband to a massive heart attack. My uncle left his wonderful wife and two little kids – a 9 year-old girl and another who was only 5. My aunt, born to a typical orthodox Indian family, was married at the age of 17! It was a happy marriage though.
At the first death anniversary of her husband, my family and her two brothers and their families had gathered at her place. After dinner later that night, one of her brothers turned the television on to watch a show which in those days was claimed to be sensible enough.
Scene: A lady, after being a widow for over 7 years, has fallen in love with another man. He loves her immensely too. One day, he comes to talk to her family about marrying her but the lady is too shy and scared to pour her feelings out. Everybody in her family is happy about it except for a brother who (who I decided was a jerk!) thinks her fate is sealed to be a widow all her life!
My aunt’s brother who was lost in the show and some other aunts in the hall began commenting – “Come on, that’s not fair. Let her get remarried and live happily ever after…!”
I was speechless! But after a split second, I said – “I can’t believe you’re worried about that fictional widow character so much and are not even bothered about your own sister who is sitting right next to you, who spends every night crying rivers. She is only 31 years old for God’s sake! Why can’t you think of getting ‘her’ remarried and do something about ‘her’ living happily ever after? Look at those two little kids who lost their father even before understanding the concept of a ‘family’ and feel the warmth of it… they never asked for it…”
There was an absolute silence in the hall! I was trembling with anger and frustration and all eyes were fixed on me as if I’d committed some kind of unforgiveable sin in the history of mankind. Then all of a sudden, my mother started hitting me and dragged me into the next room. All my relatives were swearing at me for being “unreasonably outspoken” and for being “over smart” for a high school kid. I wasn’t disappointed; I was already shaken by my uncle’s untimely demise. But the shocker came by when my aunt came into the room and blamed me for committing a blunder! She started crying and said I put her in an embarrassing and humiliating situation!
It’s been over 9 years since the incident happened and my relatives who were in that room that fateful day still hate me and don’t even talk to me! (Not that I care!) It took a while for my aunt to be back to normal with me and my family.
And there are a lot of questions that are haunting me from these past 9-10 years…
Why aren’t our women allowed to live their lives as ‘they’ want?
I mean, I know that times have changed. Women are reaching the pinnacle of success in a lot of fields that were once untouched by them. They are national leaders, entrepreneurs, corporate women, writers, media personnel. There are women who party 9 days a week!!! There are ladies who spend half their lives in beauty salons! It’s all kind of cute in a way, actually. And there are some inspiring women around us – Kalpana Chawla went to space (It’s sad that she couldn’t make it back…) Kiran Mazumdar-Shaw heads Biocon; Sudha Murthy is “simplicity Personified”… there is one Chaavi (MBA gold medalist) who resigned a job that paid lakhs together every month and is now serving a village called ‘Sodhaa’ in Rajasthan as a ‘Gram Sarpanch’; there is a Sampath Pal Devi who is like a moral police – who has not even the basic education and was a victim of child marriage – She now has thousands of women for support who just go and literally thrash men who assault women in any way!
I have just mentioned some names that occurred to me right now. There are still many examples out there. But I would call them “exceptions” rather than “examples”, because their number is so small. There is a whole other sector of our kind which is in absolute darkness – completely unaware of all the above mentioned “exceptions”. That sector is still plagued with superstitions, ignorance, child labour, child marriage, sexual assault and what not! There are millions of them who still just dream of school…
Is it really “development” when only one group of the population flourishes?!
I’m NOT disputing the fact that a lot of women are doing great. But who are to be blamed for millions of voices that go unheard? What about those dried out, tired eyes that have given up on hoping and seeking help?
The worst part is, most of them ‘choose’ to remain silent! A lot of them accept that it is their ‘fate’ and nobody can do anything about it. Some of them deny having keen desires for so many wonderful pleasures of life and just bury them deep within and build concrete graves on them. Why are most girls married even before they reach an age when they can dream about their ‘prince charming’? Why is a girl, even in the so called “civilized” society, considered to be slutty if she talks and hangs out with guys boldly in public?
I am certainly aware of living in the age of twitter and Facebook; but I have seen worse and just can’t ignore it.
A lot of women are not even given a choice when it comes to marriage. They are ought to marry some stranger who might have nothing in common with them! It’s fine if they end up being a happy couple eventually. But what about those who don’t and feel stuck for life? What about those women who are compelled to go to bed every other night with their drunk, stinking, potbellied husbands (?)? There are so many home makers who are worse off than the house maids!
Why is it that a guy who has more than one woman in his life is a stud and is cool; and why is a girl who just had one true love affair even before marriage is still characterless??
There are so many women who yearn to have a “LIFE”… a life of and for their own. Won’t they want to share all those small joys of life with that special someone of their lives? Of walking into a glorious sunset on a beach; of taking a slow, long walk – hand in hand – on some road less traveled by; of just going to the corner of the street and having two delicious plates of paani poori for just 20 rupees; of just sharing a quiet embrace on a beautiful morning; that deep, innate wish of wanting their men to “make love” to them and not just sleep with them… (Oh, wait! “A ‘girl’ talking about bed..! About making love!! Shun that shameless girl!!!” is what I might get for even mentioning the topic!)
Swami Vivekananda had once said that our nation needs women who can be Indians inside their homes and who can be Europeans once they step out of them. But many well educate women give up on their careers for a marriage unwillingly. Don’t they want to be successful as a professional too? Why is it that a woman alone has to make sacrifices for a marriage?
What about those thousands of women who marry the most irresponsible men who do not care for their wives and also their own children? There are those who struggle even for a single square meal per day… can they afford to even dream of luxuries and comforts when they can’t even see their necessities being fulfilled? Life’s just not fair…
So many women pray for a miracle that their husbands care for their kids – at least – if not for themselves. Won’t all those women deserve one appreciative smile, a small encouraging pat on the shoulder for keeping the family together? For saving all those 10 bucks every time they could sacrificing their little likes and desires? For giving up on buying a beautiful sari she liked only because she could save the same money for two days of groceries?
Maybe not all can afford to live in bungalows, own a Mercedes and all that. But don’t they deserve the tiny little joys of life which are way better than any material luxuries? Most women who live in villages are not even aware of this part of the life we are living – the kind of comforts we can meet the expense of!
Our early epics say “yatra naaryastu poojyante ramante tatra devathaaha” (Wherever women are respected and appreciated, Gods will always be residing there!) Maybe that’s a wee bit of exaggeration, but that was what thought of women – no lesser than men. Frustration mounts when we, today, see those jobless, useless creatures on the road sides and footpaths who comment on every girl and grown up women who pass by. I have heard some people (including women – our own kind!) say things like “girls these days wear clothes that DO invite men… girls these days have no shame wearing short clothes…” So isn’t a girl not allowed to even dress the way she wants???!!! Isn’t that like the height of being insensible?
Of course, there are exceptions. A lot of families suffer because of the mind games that only typical women can play. But the ratio of women who suffer seems to be more compared to the former kind – or that is what I have been seeing all around me.
I know times have changed. Some women ARE let to live the lives they want. And that’s the reason I say I am very happy to be born in this age. But this write-up is for those thousands of women whose faces have lost that grace and essence of being a woman, fighting and fighting and fighting all their lives for some happiness. I just hope life turns out fair for at least those who deserve.
And yeah, I went to stay at my aunt’s last night and I saw her watching the same television but a different show. A husband was gifting his wife a ruby necklace. I couldn’t help looking at my aunt’s eyes that had gotten kind of misty. I went to bed trying to sleep. I closed my eyes but her lifeless eyes kept flashing before mine leaving me in thoughts… in confusions… in questions… It kills me that I can’t do anything about it… can I?! And her little kids…? They had to grow up too fast. It’s too bad that they couldn’t live their childhood like children – being unaware of life’s questions that are difficult to answer for. Or perhaps that just remain as unanswered questions…
I couldn’t ignore her eyes… the eyes that reflected a big void deep inside her; that had questions that she never dared to say out loud. They seemed nostalgic, they seemed innocent. They seemed ignorant – but the ignorance that resembles of a child’s…
I “KNOW” she had questions. But she chose not to ask them herself, a long time ago. So have a lot of such women.
Is that ignorance bliss? Or curse? Or is it none of “my” business to poke my nose into the states of such women?! Was I stupid for speaking for my aunt 10 years ago when she herself didn’t? Am I stupid to pen down my questions here, hoping for some answers?! (Some ‘convincing’ answers!)
I don’t know…
Silkworm Slumbers 
Good one again sou!! It really spoke to the feminist side of me!:)
Anusha, thank you very much. I appreciate it. 🙂
Hey nice one! Its good that finally women are given their rightful stature!!
Thank you Santosh! 🙂 And as far as the second part of your comment…I doubt so… 🙂
there’s always light at the end of the darkness 🙂
That’s the hope, my friend… 🙂
Gud1:) i liked d way u expressed ua opinion abu things gng around 🙂
Rashmi! 🙂
Apologies for the delay.
Thank you. I appreciate it. 🙂
one of the queries even i had at some point of time!!
the smell of feminism is bit strong and no wonder. 🙂
i’m not sure if its the answer, the following is just the glimpse of what i realised just for myself.
the soln you gave spontaneously was the symbol of the transition into the early stage of your individuality from your dependent childhood.
human has two things.
1. enthusiasm 2. maturity.
in general, both are inversely proportional.
the world around you is what you see through your eyes or through the glasses which is provided by say your traditions or ‘anushtanas’
the response from your elders is nothing but their feelings about the reaction of the society. they fear it because they have seen the ugly side.
since they are already grown up they might have felt worser than your widow aunt itself. they might not have dared to express since they surrendered themselves to the fear or any other dominating factor.
(don’t get a judjement here) it may be their maturity!!! who knows????
you also mention your aunt scolded you stating you insulted her. she might meant to say you insulted her “beliefs and the sanctity” which is the highest priority for her (bcz she couldnt see herself out of it)
and you mention about “exceptions”
those exceptional cases completely came out of specific scenario.
if you put the same character in your aunts scenario, that character would have been the worse.
i accept whatever you say which was true according to your senses.
but how can you state thats only it.??
Always a person is much more than what she expresses in front of others.!!
you just want to lift the ppl from their sorrow state. i admire it as i do care. its not found in more than 80% ppl. but what will happen once you bring them to the good status?
did you ever think over it? Gandhiji states somewhere “the ultimate agenda of the congress is to bring freedom to India. so once the feedom is achieved the party should be dispersed.”
but it didnt happen and we are observing the consequences.
these so called “deprived ppl” will not only ruin themselves to the greater depth also take someone else with them.
so we, the floating trouble free ppl should not take the responsibilty for the backward ppl directly in practical.
there are so many theories of socialism and equality. do you think anyone of them is working out???
ppl of Russia, China are the prisoners of their own policies.
i can quote a story as an example
“A king had a pregnant wife. once when he was visiting his citizens, he saw another pregnant lady working contiously. he was stunned that his queen was always at rest and watched carefully but still he used to get complaints from her, whereas this lady was working vigourously. he thought making the pregnant ladies work would be the solution. he forced his wife to work. her situation “devrige preethi” she was totally ill and died off.”
i also agree that mothers are the ones who sacrifice the most for their children. i feel that even i’m blessed with one of the greatest mothers.
but its always only for “the family” this is only one of the factors which are responsible for the current scenario. if the feminism is the highest it’ll never allow the society to be united.
and of course the quote ” yatra naaryasthu poojyanthe ramanthe thathra devathah” is true. the feminism should be recognised and then only the devas will come. devas come= the flourishment+ richness.
but at the same time it should also be in the limit. Like limited fire gives good heat to cook food which will burn the house when its out of control.
every person/issue is composed o both good and evil. its purely dependant on time(kaala) place(desha) intention(sankalpa).
hope SHIVA TRILOGY would give you the proper idea about the same.
there are 3 concepts:
ideology(aadarsha)
person(vyakthi)
society(samaja)
every individual is composed of all the factors. and each factor is important. whats your choice?? your character is determined from that.
we are living in between the ppl- mutual understandings+common regulations
we live with the ppl- compromises
we live with the ideology- we try lead the society acc to the ideology.
so thats the ultimate. ppl are next. society is meant for the ppl and is of lowest order.
there are many ppl who sacrificed everything for the ideology/principles like arstotle, plato, jesus, mohammad paigamber, three acharyas galilio newton einstein so many. they sacrificed their society, loved ones only for the sake of ideology.
they as of alive were of no use but they brought advancement in the living of human beings by centuries.
there are also many ppl who llived for other ppl.
also the majority of the ppl live in the society.
if every one is the leader, imagine.!!
so ignorance for the many is nothing but bliss.
and in the universe there is no equilibrium possible.
= means the end.
for the rotation someone should be at the back and someone else should be at the front.
so whats the solution?
its easy to raise the voice which is the first step so very much appreciable.
but eventually if you are really into it, you’ll find your own way of serving the society.
the important thing is to find your path to serve the ppl for the betterment of the humanity.
for a human being, the greatest achievement is to find out her purpose of life and accomplish it. irrespective of the importance of your purpose if you accomplish it, you’re done!!
i’m just a seeker and its just a view point which i felt true over the period of time with various extremities.
i never did share these thoughts altogether anywhere.but your writing is nothing but what i tried to find out answers for.(in a bit more masculine way! :P)
plz don’t get offended.
Very well written Sourabha. 🙂
You have beautifully knitted the true emotions of the modern women into words. Hats off ! 🙂
Amita, thank you very much…means a lot when that comes from a fellow writer. 🙂
This article of yours, deserves a 1000 likes(May be more than that). It is THIS post which made me follow your blog. It leaves many questions unanswered or rather questions whose answers are known and yet portrayed as unknown. We often become helpless, with the INDIAN society in front of us. Not criticizing my country but this does not happen elsewhere. Even if it does, it does not happen to an extent of sabotaging ones life. People move on…..They LET people move on in life.
Hope this reaches the world outside so that every person has a right to his/her own slice of happiness.
Dear Aroma,
Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it. 🙂
Yes, that’s the dream…every person should be let to live their life to the fullest…within their own capabilities. 🙂
Always hoping for better tomorrows…
Im sure that every women will be empowered in lyfe after reading this article!!..:-)and hope those men will mend their thinking in a better way
and stand as a pillar to all those women for better being of mankind…:-):-)
That’s the dream Sharath… I would LOVE to see that day… 🙂
Thank you… 🙂
There’s a lot of passion in your writing. These answers rose up in the mind when thinking of your questions. And a person with intense questions would fare better not to give up until answers are obtained. (if the questions are really that important – one would think).
Q. Why aren’t our women allowed to live their lives as ‘they’ want? Women since times immemorial have been given the freedom to live how they want –
A. Please refer the video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EmlvavD3LSg
Q. Is it really “development” when only one group of the population flourishes?!
A. No it is definitely not development. Our current society is heading towards a meritocratic way of life rather than one with equal distribution of vocations which existed in our country many years ago. One would agree if one saw the number of engineers and doctors with comparisons to Arts, Science and other vocational graduates (sculptors, cobblers, artisans, poets, farmers, etc.) coming out to the society today.
Q. I’m NOT disputing the fact that a lot of women are doing great. But who are to be blamed for millions of voices that go unheard? What about those dried out, tired eyes that have given up on hoping and seeking help? –
A. We ourselves have to be blamed. Not me, not you as individuals but we as a society. Not because we are stupid and a backward civilization – but because we haven’t paid heed to our elders – not the elders who showed the wrong path, but those elders who were well read about the dos and don’ts (vidhis and nishedhas) that were advised in Sanatana Dharma. All we did throughout the innumerable foreign attacks on our nation was accept the inequalities and wrong notions pushed on us instead of using our own intellects and discrimiative abilities to take only the good and reject the unwanted.
Q. But what about those who don’t and feel stuck for life? What about those women who are compelled to go to bed every other night with their drunk, stinking, potbellied husbands (?)?
A. Compelled – noone compels anyone. Every individual has the right and power within to understand what is right and what is wrong (which is what forced one to speak for one’s aunt many years ago) . Noone is an island. One always reaches out. There are innumerable examples. So it would seem not well thought to generalize.
Q. Why is it that a guy who has more than one woman in his life is a stud and is cool; and why is a girl who just had one true love affair even before marriage is still characterless??
A. Where is this stated? Please give one reference. I would sincerely like to know – why it’s cool for a guy to have more than one girlfriends – if you’re referring to the west and making unsolicited assumptions one would beg to differ.
Q. But many well educate women give up on their careers for a marriage unwillingly. Don’t they want to be successful as a professional too? Why is it that a woman alone has to make sacrifices for a marriage?”
A. Unwillingly – well one needs courage to achieve ones aspirations. Similarly one needs tremendous courage to stand up for what is right and what is not. And why should marriage not be considered a successful endeavor for a woman? Why is sacrifice a bad thing?
Q. What about those thousands of women who marry the most irresponsible men who do not care for their wives and also their own children?
A. Well, again one thinks this number is far more greater than thousands. But one understands that it was just an example and not meant literally. Those women, are indeed to be empathized with. But it does not end with that. If it is in your, my or our power to do something about it, one should not hesitate to take the step. One agrees, that change cannot be brought about in a day. But there is nothing that perseverance cannot do. (Didn’t Bhagiratha get the Ganges from the heavens? Rome indeed wasn’t built in a day – but it was built wasn’t it? The pyramids and the great wall of china did get built didn’t they. There was Rama Rajya at some point in our history wasn’t it?) A person/people will be able to achieve great many things with enthusiasm and enterprise.
Q. There are those who struggle even for a single square meal per day… can they afford to even dream of luxuries and comforts when they can’t even see their necessities being fulfilled? Life’s just not fair…
A. What is the relationship between the injustice being imposed on women and many not being able to afford a single meal a day. Mixing up of ideas leads to confusion one would think.
Speaking about fairness, nothing is fair in life! Even the most richest person or the most famous person – asked this question (Is life fair?) would answer in negative. It is up to us to make amendments and reach a state of balance otherwise life will be indeed an unbearable ordeal.
Q. Our early epics say “yatra naaryastu poojyante ramante tatra devathaaha” (Wherever women are respected and appreciated, Gods will always be residing there!) Maybe that’s a wee bit of exaggeration, but that was what thought of women
A. Well one would opine that it is not a tiny bit even – an exaggeration. It is the truth. This statement is taken from the Manu Smriti – and not an exaggeration. A question arises – has one really thought about the meaning of this statement – why is this statement said by Manu? Why is it that gods would reside in such a place. One would think that the answer to this question would answer many other questions.
Q. So isn’t a girl not allowed to even dress the way she wants???!!! Isn’t that like the height of being insensible?
A. No, a woman has every right to dress the way she wants – Many ancient sculptors have depicted the attire of ancient India. And one would feel that the attire then was more exposing than what one wears today. It was only in the middle ages that more restrictions was brought into the attire of women. Has one thought why this restriction was brought into force in our country – ? Has one thought about the numerous foreign invasions on India – from Europe, Middle Asia, greece, etc. That hints something.
Q. It kills me that I can’t do anything about it… can I?! And her little kids…?
A. Does it really cause that much pain equivalent to death? If the answer is yes, then doing something about it is better than death. What can one do? If one is really looking to make a difference in the lives of those kids, there are many ways. One wonders about the determination one can muster.
Q. Is that ignorance bliss? Or curse? Or is it none of “my” business to poke my nose into the states of such women?! Was I stupid for speaking for my aunt 10 years ago when she herself didn’t? Am I stupid to pen down my questions here, hoping for some answers?!
A. No, ignorance is never bliss. It might seem that way for the ignorant one, but for the one who has seen the sunrise knows – that it is always much more brighter and more enterprising than the darkness of a moonless night.
No, it is every bit your business to poke your nose into the states of such women. It is all our dharma (here meaning duty) to get them justice! No you were definitely not stupid for speaking up!
And definitely not stupid to pen down your questions. Questions – if indeed sincere will force answers one way or the other (sincerity being the pivot). But one can imagine the reason why one was reprimanded for raising one’s voice. Maybe deep down you know. Maybe not, But that’s for another comment.
And if one thinks that the answers are coming from a MCP (yes, Male chauvinistic pig) or a stupid hindutva loving RSS freak or such, one would be gravely mistaken. One looks forward to more questions and answers – if one is really sincere to get answers to question and discuss right from wrong. If not, one can forget about this torrent of words like any other comment on a random wordpress blog. There is no dearth of blogs (totalling 60 million wordpress blogs) nor comments. ()http://www.forbes.com/sites/jjcolao/2012/09/05/the-internets-mother-tongue/
Dear,
I sincerely appreciate your time and thoughts… 🙂
They have left me in thoughts…